CAMBRIDGE, MA (The Borowitz Report) – Police in Cambridge, Massachusetts have begun an extensive sweep of Harvard professors whom they have targeted as the number-one crime threat to the community, officials confirmed today.

Cambridge police chief Ryan Slatson said that the department was responding to a recent crime wave in which tenured Harvard professors were attempting to break into their own homes.

“These academics may be armed and dangerous,” Mr. Slatson warned. “They may also be long-winded and boring.”

Arthur Filowicz, who holds Harvard’s Arne Jacobsen chair in European Literature, said that last night as he tried to gain entry to his own home a Cambridge policeman drew a gun on him and shouted, “Publish or perish, motherfucker!” More here.