Can abuse victims be happy sexual partners?

Recently arguments between me and my partner of three years have got out of control. We haven’t had decent sex in ages. He accuses me of always talking about it, and I say it’s because we don’t do it enough. We were both abused as kids so I know that sex will feel a bit weird. Can people like us really stay together? And do people need to have sex every day to be happy?

Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse have learned to equate love with disharmony, betrayal and conflicted feelings – and both of you are re-enacting this pattern. You must immediately change. You could try a survivors’ group or The Courage To Heal Workbook by Laura Davis.

As for sexual frequency, don’t feel pressure to keep up with your friends’ (often inflated) tales. Couples should do what works for them, with an emphasis on quality rather than quantity.

And be aware that because of your abuse you see your sexuality as a shame-based experience – until you can feel safe during love-making you will continue to push each other away. But people with such challenges absolutely can – and do – become healthy enough for long-lasting and fulfilling relationships.

In the meantime, understand that arguing is a way of remaining tethered to abuse, so be gentle with each other. Have one deep discussion about the way forward, then support each other’s healing and growth.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

Can abuse victims be happy sexual partners?

Recently arguments between me and my partner of three years have got out of control. We haven’t had decent sex in ages. He accuses me of always talking about it, and I say it’s because we don’t do it enough. We were both abused as kids so I know that sex will feel a bit weird. Can people like us really stay together? And do people need to have sex every day to be happy?

Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse have learned to equate love with disharmony, betrayal and conflicted feelings – and both of you are re-enacting this pattern. You must immediately change. You could try a survivors’ group or The Courage To Heal Workbook by Laura Davis.

As for sexual frequency, don’t feel pressure to keep up with your friends’ (often inflated) tales. Couples should do what works for them, with an emphasis on quality rather than quantity.

And be aware that because of your abuse you see your sexuality as a shame-based experience – until you can feel safe during love-making you will continue to push each other away. But people with such challenges absolutely can – and do – become healthy enough for long-lasting and fulfilling relationships.

In the meantime, understand that arguing is a way of remaining tethered to abuse, so be gentle with each other. Have one deep discussion about the way forward, then support each other’s healing and growth.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.