The school holidays have started. That’s a lot of free time ahead. So how can you stave off the inevitable rows and moaning? After years of getting it wrong, Tim Dowling can now offer an expert survival guide

The summer holidays are a difficult time for parents. Keeping children amused for six weeks or more, both at home and away, can be difficult to organise, exhausting and expensive. But it doesn’t have to be that way . . . Actually, it probably does have to be that way, but as a parent there are always corners to be cut, liberties to be taken and small duplicities to employ. Here are my top 10 rules for a slightly less disastrous summer, based on more than a decade’s experience of getting it wrong.

1 Encourage boredom

We all want our children to become re-acquainted with simple pleasures, or to develop a curiosity about the natural world, but this is never going to happen if you keep trying to distract them with engaging and exciting trips. Let them spend the first week of the holidays at home staring at their shoes. Offer only dispiriting chores as an alternative. Eventually, their boredom will drive them to invent games of their own, which in turn will lead to enhanced creativity, increased self-confidence and, in most cases, severe water damage. A small price to pay for not having to take them to Legoland.

2 Stop all pocket money until September

For most of the year children’s spending habits are curtailed by other commitments – school, homework, after-school clubs, games and lessons. They simply don’t have the time to get down to the shops. In summer, however, pocket money becomes dangerously empowering. Children suddenly have all day to browse sweets, toy weapons, unsuitable DVDs and unwanted pets. “It’s my money, so I can buy what I want with it,” they say, as if they’re quoting from the Human Rights Act. I have never been able to counter this argument effectively, and find it much easier to choke off the flow of cash at its source, ie me.

What rationale you provide for stopping their pocket money is up to you. You could argue that students, like teachers, don’t work during the summer and therefore don’t get paid. Of course, teachers do get paid in the summer, but your kids probably don’t know that. Sometimes it’s simpler to withhold the money on a week-to-week basis as a punishment for some fresh infraction or other. There’s always something.

3 Never tell your children where you are going until they are in the car

In my experience, a successful summer outing requires the coyest possible precis of your itinerary. Do not say: “We’re going to spend two hours in a boring gallery, followed by lunch at a restaurant you won’t like, followed by a long walk through the park in a steady drizzle, followed by – if you behave yourself, and I’m betting you won’t – an ice-cream.” Just say: “We’re going for an ice-cream. Put your seatbelt on.” Once the car is moving, you can fill them in on the details.

4 Eliminate one child from the equation

If you have two or more children, you will know that for all practical purposes you have got one too many. When confined together for any period of time, either in a tent, or a holiday ^­ cottage, or in the back of a hired vehicle, siblings will fight over almost anything. Swapping one of your children for someone else’s kid for the day (or the week, or the summer) will ensure a calmer social dynamic. If your friends don’t have children of similar ages to yours, you need new friends.

5 If you go on holiday with friends who also have children . . .

. . . bear in mind that in the event of any altercation between their child and your child, you must always insist that your child was entirely at fault. To do otherwise will mark you out as overprotective and deluded. If their kid tries to drown your kid in the pool, you should say: “Well, I’m sure he was asking for it.” Don’t worry about looking callous; it’s just the form, and should be reciprocated. It is also considered unseemly to discipline another person’s child in public. Better to corner the youngster later and issue a calm, expletive-laden threat.

6 Remember: hungry children are biddable children

Yes, they may be grumpy and short-tempered, but they are also weak and open to suggestion. If you’re trying to coax your kids along a cliff walk, or into a medieval church, or from one airport terminal to another, do not, under any circumstances, feed them first. Sustenance of any kind tends to make them high-spirited, rebellious and unmanageable. By all means keep them hydrated, but save feeding for those times when it’s safe for all hell to break loose.

7 Always underpack

I speak not as someone who is ruthless when it comes to editing one’s luggage, but as someone who routinely packs a spare tent just because it’s possible to cram it into the car, and always ends up sorry for it. Never in the troubled history of my own family summer holidays has one of my children come up to me and said, “You know what? I really wish we’d brought my other jumper.” Forget everything you think you need: your child will not practice the violin in France, you are not going to read five books in 10 days ,and there is almost no vacation destination on earth where they don’t sell cheap footballs. Having small children is no excuse: travelling with a bottle steriliser is like taking your rice cooker on holiday.

8 Beware of hidden costs

Certain supposedly budget-friendly summer pastimes can turn out to be surprisingly expensive. A visit to a pick-your-own farm may sound like a cheap day out, but in my experience it is perfectly possible for three small children to pick £70 worth of raspberries in under an hour, and you can’t put them back on the plant. A car boot sale, on the other hand, will keep them busy for just as long for as little as £3 apiece. Make sure you tell them it isn’t pocket money, but an advance on future earnings.

9 Ignore all child-unfriendly proscriptions

If you are planning on remaining in the British Isles this summer, chances are you will at some point find yourself in an establishment where your children are either implicitly or expressly unwelcome, be it a pub, a restaurant or your place of work. This is not a time to be abashed or embarrassed about having kids; it’s a time to be passive-aggressive. When faced with a choice between a pub that welcomes children with open arms and one that seeks to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, always opt for the latter: the food will be better. Then sit down and pretend that you don’t understand the nature of anyone’s objections. Pretend you’re German if you have to. If confronted by other patrons, try to express yourself in language that suggests that, while you understand why some people might not wish to share the company of several noisy and badly behaved children, at this precise moment in time you don’t care: “Yes, I’m sure they are spoiling your quiet drink, madam – they’re also spoiling my quiet drink, and I have to take them home with me when I’m finished.”

10 Take your own nit comb

If you’re travelling to the continent, be prepared. Do you know how to say “nit comb” in Spanish? Me neither.