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Iran, North Korea and the bomb: Spinning dark new tales

Something new to worry about

HONESTY is a rare commodity in the nuclear underworld, where Pakistan, North Korea, Iran, Syria and possibly others—as well as Argentina, Brazil, Libya and South Africa in times past—have long done deals for the equipment, technology and materials needed for their illicit nuclear programmes. Yet North Korea and Pakistan’s notorious blackmarket-maker, Abdul Qadeer Khan, have both proudly and separately decided to tell the world more about their nuclear exploits. By contrast there is a worrying silence from Iran and Syria, two countries in the spotlight this week at the International Atomic Energy Agency, the UN’s nuclear guardian, for their suspect nuclear activities.

Iran’s refusal to answer inspectors’ questions about mounting evidence of nuclear-weapons-related work, or to pick up the offer of talks on its nuclear ambitions from America, China, Russia and three European states, bodes ill for the diplomatic effort to hold the non-proliferation line. Come the UN General Assembly later this month, foreign ministers of the six will be taking stock of Iran’s readiness to co-operate before they decide whether to start the hard job of trying to agree more sanctions. They will have little to go on. …

Prog Nation ’09 | 08.27 | San Jose

Words by: Dennis Cook | Images from: us.progressivenation2009.com

Progressive Nation 2009 Tour :: 08.27.09 :: San Jose Civic Auditorium :: San Jose, CA

Dream Theater :: Progressive Nation Tour 2009

Prog rock gets a pretty bad rap these days. Sure, in its bloated ’70s heyday it bankrolled ELP’s spinning pianos and air-lifted drum kits and allowed Rick Wakeman to perform a rock opera based on King Arthur surrounded by ice skaters, but there’s something cool about prog’s ambition and bombast. Our daily lives are rarely “epic” and prog injects some much needed drama and loft. That it’s never gone away – despite the best efforts of punk, new wave, grunge, etc. – speaks to its staying power and permanent place in rock’s sub-genres.

One also caught a glimpse of prog’s endurance from the huge age range gathered at the San Jose Civic for Dream Theater‘s annual Progressive Nation Tour, where black clad, acne riddled teens in band tees mingled with downtown businessmen revisiting their youthful passions and grandpas in ’09 Slipknot shirts. And thanks to the headliner and their way with Journey-esque balladry, the number of women actually hit as much as triple digits by Dream Theater’s set. This year’s bill was rounded out by Zappa Plays Zappa, Bigelf and Scale The Summit, which, taken together, offered up enough technical expertise, genuine melodrama, belly shaking high jinks and manly rawk to satiate even the broadest prog appetite.

If Explosions In The Sky got deep into Tales From Topographic Oceans and Cliff Burton era Metallica they might sound like Scale The Summit, a Texas four-piece so fresh faced I’d card them before buying them a drink. With only 20 minutes, they decided to run ‘n’ gun, slamming ahead with all their might for the just arriving crowd, who almost universally tucked in and paid serious attention to their jazzy instrumental hardness, which also suggests a less melodically inclined Umphrey’s McGee with similar twiddly guitars and heavy duty low end. Two large video screens bookended the stage, offering close-ups for the three openers and a Pandora’s Box of excellent film and animation footage during Dream Theater. Scale’s “The Great Plains” was a John Ford Western given a metal makeover, and “City In The Sky” was dedicated to the headliner and shared some of DT’s wide-angle romance and chop-fueled storytelling. In plugging their new album, Carving Desert Canyons, they made sure to note they also had tablature for the guitarists in the audience, rightly noting, “This is a Dream Theater show.”

Zappa Plays Zappa :: Prog Nation ’09

Close your eyes and you might mistake Bigelf for vintage Deep Purple, a thick slap of bruising, sexy guitar, swinging rhythms and old school Mellotron and organ swells. Open your eyes and you found top hat sportin’ lead singer Damon Fox madly pressing keys, mascara rimmed eyes wide as the screaming face from In The Court of the Crimson King on his t-shirt, as the rest of this Los Angeles quartet swam through acid test psych, struttin’ glam and what could be the best Hammer Horror soundtrack you’ve never heard. A throwback that doesn’t really seem like a throwback, Bigelf were awesome, the sort of dudes you can smell from a distance, a pungent bouquet of bong water and sweaty late night jam sessions. Opener “The Evils of Rock & Roll” and follow-up “Painkillers” were full of neat twists and effective stops, restoring some of the original danger and mystery of the original hard rockers. “Disappear” was a giant size slow burn – moving, dreamy and way cool – that bettered the studio version, as did much of this set, which culminated in a tune about money with lush keys and a heavy pop sensibility that compared well with The Zombies

There’s a delightfully grimy quality to Zappa Plays Zappa that instantly sets them apart from Frank’s more cerebral hound-doggin’. It’s not that dear old dad couldn’t shred mightily but Dweezil Zappa and his youngbloods willfully throw more grit into the workings, emphasizing the good time feel of many Frank compositions, an earthy aura to match the often ribald lyrics. Beginning with a tough little combo of two guitars, bass and drums, they banged away at “Apostrophe” with ballsy bravado. This band, which no longer contains any Frank veterans, is in no way cowed by this material. Even truly challenging songs like Sheik Yerbouti‘s “Broken Hearts Are For Assholes,” perhaps the set highlight, were tackled with aplomb, and it was fun to watch Dweezil stand back, not singing or playing for the first two minutes or so, as he observed whether his comrades would pull off the insane Greek chorus vocal sparring and hairpin shifts of “Broken Hearts,” or his obvious delight later as they mastered the delicate corridors of “Inca Roads” and built a steamy improv during “Filthy Habits.” Much of ZPZ’s interpretations are fairly orthodox but they’ve permitted a Motorhead-esque impoliteness to creep into some pieces, surfacing frequently in the molar rattling bass of Pete Griffin. Still, much of their mission is to keep the legacy and music of Frank alive and his presence loomed large, especially in the spot-on Frank phrasing of lead singer Ben Thomas and more quietly in the moustache and soul patch silhouettes on the bass drum. Boffo set by a band that is proving indefatigably enjoyable every time out.

Dream Theater :: Progressive Nation Tour 2009

Despite being around in some form for nearly 25 years, Dream Theater is a group that’s either worshipped fanatically or almost entirely unknown. Yet, they curate and headline this international celebration of prog rock – subtitled this year “One Nation, Under Prog…” – and mount a seriously impressive production jammed with nifty lighting, artful stage design, creative video inserts AND play at a nose bleed technical level most jazz and classical musicians would envy. Simple they ain’t (except when they go for your heartstrings), Dream Theater put on one of the more delightful, dense heavy rock displays I’ve witnessed in years. While familiar with their more recent albums, including this year’s excellent Black Clouds & Silver Linings (JamBase review here), it was enlightening to see/hear their older material like the fusion masterwork “The Dance of Eternity” unfurl with finger blurring skill. While predominantly metallic in tone, there’s oodles of complexity to their tunes, and even when they softened up for a song like “Hollow Years” it still felt pretty substantial. And the Journey reference in the intro fully extends to lead vocalist James LaBrie, hard rock’s answer to peak period Steve Perry, a belter of seemingly infinite power who can tone it down to a whisper just as effectively.

However, it was bassist John Myung who took home MVP honors from this gig. In a word, Myung is dazzling, a sophisticated, unrelenting maestro who I’d love to see in a head-to-head with Reed Mathis one day. Each band member is worshipped (and probably rightfully so) by their hardcore fanbase in much the same way as Yes, and watching them ply their trade I could understand why folks fixate on them. It’s baffling why guitarist John Petrucci isn’t mentioned in the same breath as Vai, Satriani or other guitar gods of the late 20th century, and keyboardist Jordan Rudess is so clever and enjoyable – a rocker on his instrument in the tradition of early Edgar Winter – that he overcomes the potential silliness of his wizard hat and animated wizard sidekick, and even partially redeems the much reviled keytar by having a custom model that looks like a Klingon batliff. Drummer Mike Portnoy handles the devil’s-got-me-by-the-balls grumble vocals as he works the biggest goddamn drum kit I’ve ever seen (three kick drums, a gong, countless toms and cymbals) with bestial intensity and a wicked grin. Taken together they make music that’s quite smart, slightly overblown and yet retains some of the garage echoes of the original Alice Cooper band, which surfaced mightily on “Rite of Passage,” one of the new album cuts that proved positively feral in concert.

Dream Theater celebrates prog’s excesses and honors the still lively tradition by championing new acts like Bigelf and Scale The Summit. Most of Theater’s material maintains a post-Metallica heft which is split open by jammy improvs, steel boot skull kicks and brainy fables. They conjured up a night of fabulous sensory overload and proved a real surprise to this relative neophyte.

Dream Theater Setlist
A Nightmare To Remember, A Rite Of Passage, Hollow Years, The Dance of Eternity, One Last Time, Solitary Shell, In The Name Of God, The Count Of Tuscany

The Prog Nation Europe tour begins September 23 in Finland; complete tour dates available here.

JamBase | Progressing
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Aug. 31, 1909: First Chemotherapy Drug Treats Syphilis

1909: After searching through hundreds of potential chemicals, a German immunologist discovers a compound that can selectively kill the parasitic spirochete that causes syphilis. The following year, he sends 65,000 free samples of the drug, now known as the first modern chemotherapy agent, to doctors all over the world.
Since his research career began in the [...]

Sirius Celebrates Jerry Garcia:
“Jerry Week” Runs 8/1-8/9

SIRIUS XM RADIO TO COMMEMORATE

THE LIFE AND MUSIC OF JERRY GARCIA ON ITS GRATEFUL DEAD CHANNEL
“Jerry Week” beginning on the anniversary of Jerry Garcia’s birth on August 1

Jerry Garcia by Jay Blakesberg

WHAT: SIRIUS XM’s Grateful Dead Channel will feature “Jerry Week” in honor of the legendary Grateful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia showcasing music, archival interviews, and rarely heard concerts. “Jerry Week,” a Grateful Dead Channel tradition, will launch on the anniversary of Garcia’s birthday, August 1, and will end on the anniversary of his death, August 9. The nine-day long special “week” will highlight Garcia’s music – Dead songs he sang and performed as well as songs from his various side projects, including Legion of Mary, Garcia/Grisman and Jerry Garcia Band.

As part of “Jerry Week,” listeners will hear two fan recordings of live performances by the Jerry Garcia Band that have never before been released. The two performances were recorded live in 1980 and 1990.

On August 9, listeners will hear the vigil held for Garcia four days after his death in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park, featuring tributes from Garcia’s family, bandmates and close friends.

Additionally, Garcia’s former wife and longtime companion, Carolyn “Mountain Girl” Garcia, has created a special program featuring her personal stories and memories of the legendary music icon for SIRIUS XM’s “Jerry Week.”

The Grateful Dead Channel’s regular shows, “Today in Grateful Dead History” and “Tales From The Golden Road,” will also feature programming devoted to Jerry Garcia.

WHERE: Grateful Dead Channel, SIRIUS channel 32 and XM channel 57.

WHEN: Saturday, August 1 through Saturday, August 9.

MORE: The Grateful Dead Channel is an exclusive channel that features music spanning the band’s career with unreleased concert recordings and original shows hosted by band members Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann. The channel also features rare archival interviews with Jerry Garcia and contributions from Grateful Dead expert David Gans and Dead archivist David Lemieux.



Reyne Haines: Collecting Your Childhood Memories Is Gonna Cost Ya

It’s not cheap to bring a piece of nostalgia back into your life these days. If your mom threw out your old comic books, make sure to share this blog with her

‘Watchmen punishes the audience’

Watch the opening five minutes of the film version of Alan Moore’s dystopian comic book. Plus, director Zack Snyder fights back at his critics and reveals how he almost cast Brad Pitt. Watchmen is out on DVD and Blu-ray on 27 July

It could have been so very different: Christian Bale as Dr Manhattan, the cyan superman of the Watchmen universe, Brad Pitt, perhaps, as Nite Owl, the liberal face of masked vigilantism. Who knows? Perhaps Angelina Jolie could have portrayed the slinky yet vulnerable Silk Spectre. Tom Cruise, in Collateral-style sociopath mode, might have made a passable Rorschach.

Zack Snyder is talking about an early conception of Watchmen, his adaptation of the seminal Alan Moore graphic novel, in which the various characters were to have been played by A-list Hollywoodlanders. The idea was to use the celebrity status of the actors to mirror the obsessive public scrutiny experienced by Watchmen’s “masks”, who exist in an alternate 1985 in which superheroes – of a sort – have been walking the streets for the past half century.

“It’s funny because early on we talked about doing a bigger, more sort of Ocean’s Eleven style cast,” says Snyder, on the phone from LA. “But the problem was that, as I was working on that concept, it was all about the irony of casting a movie like that, with big stars, so that the casting kind of commented on their roles.

“The truth is that it’s a difficult thing for actors to be that self aware. I think in the end it’s a perfect cast because they are those characters. I’m not sure it would have worked with, you know, Brad Pitt in the Nite Owl suit, or whatever. When you have people on screen that the audience doesn’t know so well, the characters have their own identity: it becomes its own thing.”

And that’s also what’s noticeable about Snyder’s version of Watchmen, out on DVD in the UK next week. It too has its own identity, one which transcends its roots in Moore’s original comic book. From the glorious, hyperreal montage that comprises the opening scene – as Bob Dylan’s Times They Are A-Changin’ serenades 50 years of alternative US history where masked vigilantes have changed the course of the 20th century – to the climactic denouement, rather different to Moore’s (pretty bonkers) ending, the film is resolutely Snyder’s own. Just as the original graphic novel represented a sea-change in comic book sensibilities, Snyder’s film bears little resemblance to any other comic book adaptation of recent times.

That may have been its downfall with the critics, who were not always kind, and it certainly didn’t help the movie’s box office, which failed to meet expectations of a giant, Dark Knight-style haul. Yet few could criticise Watchmen as the sort of hack job expected from a former commercials director with only two previous features under his belt (a remake of zombie classic Dawn of the Dead, and another comic book adaption, the notoriously gory 300). A significant minority labelled the movie a flawed work of genius.

“The thing I find fascinating about the whole way Watchmen was received is that 10% or less of the critics seemed to have actually read the graphic novel,” laughs Snyder. “I feel like a lot of them just went to Wikipedia. Because it really is not a movie, in a traditional sense. And if you try to analyse it in those terms – and not in terms of its relationship to pop culture – then you kind of miss the point.

“It’s a two-and-a-half hour R-rated movie, and there’s no precedent for that type of film becoming a huge blockbuster. What’s popular about The Dark Knight is that it’s a superhero movie at its core. When Batman puts on his costume, that’s badass: ‘Yeah Batman, go kick some ass’. Watchmen is an entirely different experience: it punishes the audience. It says: “Oh you like the Comedian? Oh, he’s a rapist, by the way.” From an intellectual standpoint that’s fun to do, but its offputting if you’re there to enjoy a movie that’s supposed to be a superhero movie.

“At the same time, I really wanted it to be marketed that way. I wanted people to think it’s going to be a standard superhero movie, and then they’re confronted by all these ideas. Because that’s what the graphic novel did to me when I read it. Someone said to me: ‘Hey you have to check out Watchmen, it’s really cool.’ And I read it, and I remember thinking: ‘OK, this is going to be a cool graphic novel, with superheroes.’ And then half way through – well less than half way – I found myself thinking: ‘What’s this? What’s happening here?’ And that was a cool experience for me, especially where I was in my graphic novel education. So I tried to bring that into the movie as much as I could.”

One area in which the film version surpasses the occasionally twee source material is in its all out action sequences, which are unrelentingly mucky and mesmeric, but surprisingly classy in their realisation. Snyder’s trademark slo-mo blends in nicely and there are no obvious, cringeworthy moments reminiscent of the classic “This is Sparta” sequence in 300. Along with the film-maker’s bloodthirstiness, it’s an aspect of his work that has seen Snyder criticised in some quarters. Is that something that bothers him?

“I wasn’t just going: ‘Oh we need more slo-mo here,’” he laughs. “I don’t have a sign or anything: ‘More slo-mo!’ I actually really restrained myself this time.

“It’s a little bit of grease – it kind of smooths everything out and makes everything look a little more graceful,” he adds. “The fun thing about Watchmen was to try and make those things that I love part of the movie, to make those techniques comment rather than just exist on their own as a cool device. I hope that’s what I did, because I felt like I was objective.”

One thing Snyder can be justly proud of is the performances he drew from the cast of Watchmen. Yet the director is happy to admit that the likes of Jackie Earle Haley, whose take on the morally absolute Rorschach brought him huge acclaim, and Billy Crudrup (Dr Manhattan), were so well-prepared, they did not require significant direction.

“I think Jackie did an amazing job,” says Snyder. “I can’t imagine anyone else being Rorschach. He cared so deeply about the part and about the character, that once he and I had had conversations about what he wanted to do, I was confident. It was kind of a case of that was taken care of. He’s a very challenging actor in the sense that he wants everything to be perfect. In a movie you have a number of takes and a schedule, but you often want one extra take. And then he would nail it.”

I suggest that Crudrup’s task, to inject life into the omnipotent Dr Manhattan despite the character being realised entirely via motion capture techniques, must have been particularly tough.

“With Billy I knew he was an amazing actor, but he really gave the animators everything they needed,” says Snyder. “They looked at his performance and just duplicated it. And it was awesome. Dr Manhattan is probably my favourite character, so it was difficult that it was a labour of love. You make your whole movie and then that performance is only revealed at the end of the process. I knew Billy had done it, but it was a case of: if they can get Billy in the movie then it’s going to be awesome.”

While his cast’s professionalism may have been a boon, Snyder’s task on Watchmen was not helped much by the looming ghost of Moore, who maintains something of a reputation as a surly Northampton hermit. The writer who transformed the 1980s comic book scene with graphic novels such as V For Vendetta and From Hell condemned the movie out of hand before it had even reached cinemas, claiming his original work was unfilmable. Did Snyder try to reach out to the former 2000AD man?

“When I came on board this movie he had already sworn us off,” says the film-maker. “I didn’t even get a chance to plead my case, to be honest. I have great respect for Alan and he had asked: ‘Please don’t try to approach me or talk to me or change anything about what I think.’ So really I just tried to respect that as much as I could. And the problem with that, was that it basically just meant: don’t ask. He’s clearly a genius, and I hope – I’m sure he doesn’t, but I hope – he understands; I was just trying to respect his wishes. He’s actually been amazingly cool about it recently.”

Yet this does not sound like the Alan Moore who, prior to its release, told a journalist from the LA Times that he had put a curse on Watchmen, adding: “I can tell you that I will also be spitting venom all over it for months to come.”

“Well not cool, but not like lashing out at us,” backtracks Snyder, chuckling. “I’m sure he’s still like: ‘I’ll kill that Snyder’, but maybe it’s a boring question now or no one’s asking him it.”

I tell him I have a sneaking suspicion that Moore might actually quite like the film, if he saw it. “I don’t know if he’s seen it, so I can only speculate,” he says, tactfully.

One suspects that part of Moore’s problem with the film was that his original book is not a linear work that lends itself to an orthodox movie plotline. It is a colourful scrapbook of different stories told through a variety of media: excerpts from the memoirs of former superheroes, cuttings from news articles, even an entirely separate but intertwined story in the shape of bloodthirsty pirate comic Tales From the Black Freighter. These all came together to form a vivid, post-modern take on comic book tropes that both celebrated and satirised the genre and its medium. The theatrical version, despite its epic running time, could never hope to equal that sort of depth and richness.

Fans are still hoping that the eventual “Ultimate” cut, which will follow a three-hour plus director’s cut onto DVD (the version about to be released is the theatrical version), will finally present Watchmen as it was meant to be seen, complete with regular segueing from the main story into the Black Freighter subplot, and the double-act between a comic-book obsessed young boy and a newsstand owner (both named Bernie), which are as important to Moore’s version as the main storyline.

“I made a deal with the studio that I would do The Black Freighter section [for a separately available DVD] as long as they gave me some money to shoot the ins and outs with the two Bernies at the news stand,” says Snyder. “With those two actors, we almost did a separate movie. They didn’t even know that we were making the whole Watchmen movie. As far as they know the whole thing takes place on a street corner. I think that [for] fans of the graphic novel, when they see the ultimate version, it will complete a bunch of the storylines.”

Of course, any critics who were confused by the original movie are going to really hate this version, but Snyder, again, doesn’t seem to be too bothered. This is a film-maker almost uniquely in touch with his audience: he doesn’t come from an arthouse background, but then neither do most of his viewers. He doesn’t particularly care whether he is lauded as a great director by the kind of critics who love to watch arthouse movies.

“I guess I like gore and action. I like genre,” he says. “I make the kind of movies that I would like to watch.”

Snyder doesn’t get nearly as much stick as another former commercials director who made the leap into film-making, the much-maligned McG. Does he feel there is an unfair stigmatism attached to those who launched their careers in commercial territory?

“I’m really proud of the work that I did in the ad world,” he says. “I really feel like it was an incredible visual school for me. I did 15 years of commercials, three a month, a lot of them in Europe. I’m a huge fan of arthouse and independent film-makers, but it’s hard to compare that with 15 years of me running film through a camera every day, so that the tools are second nature. You can say what you want about me as far as storytelling, but shot-making is a thing that I feel pretty comfortable doing.

“McG is a really nice guy but I think he’s made such an eclectic span of films that I can’t say that anyone really has a handle on what he’s about. I just make movies that I like, and that I want to see. I do think that commercial directors do get a bad rap. Everyone assumes they are just going to be very Hollywood and just want to crack out the blockbusters. Maybe it’s because I’ve made slightly odd films that I’ve gotten around that a little bit.”

Watchmen certainly makes for a pretty odd sort of superhero movie. But then the graphic novel was a pretty odd sort of comic book. Hollywood would no doubt have been pleased if the film had ended up being the Ocean’s Eleven of superhero movies that Snyder once considered. Instead, Watchmen turned out to be something far less generic, a lot less facile and, I suspect, rather more durable. Even Alan Moore might approve of that.

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2009 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds


One I prepared earlier

Has a misplaced childhood enthusiasm for cooking ruined any dishes for you? Is anyone brave enough to try making the Blue Peter scone pizza (pdf)?

I hate pizza. There, I said it and I am glad to finally get it off my chest. The decline in sales of this particular fast food are, to me, long overdue.

The key ingredients of dough, tomatoes, cheese, olive oil and a bit of herbage are benign enough, and in other similar combinations, like Welsh rarebit, Turkish pide or simple cheese on toast, can be rather lovely. But there is something about pizza that just, quite frankly, makes me a little nauseous.

I know it’s my fault and that there is nothing inherently wrong with pizza, but even when friends have persuaded me to try what they claim are perfect examples of the genre, I can’t help but think that the results are really rather grim and reminiscent of snot on toast.

Like so many things, it comes down to faulty personal wiring connected in childhood, and in the case of pizza I can trace it to one particular day and right back to the very first thing I ever tried to cook for myself.

Back in the early 1970s, a rainy Saturday afternoon’s entertainment usually involved watching Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks circle each other in a wrestling ring as old ladies waved their handbags. Or even more wretchedly, watching the racing on Grandstand until Final Score at 5pm where I could see to whom Rotherham United had lost.

One day however, my older sister Auriel came up with a novel suggestion, and, waving a copy of the latest Blue Peter annual, announced that we were going to spend the afternoon cooking. I was already a bit of a bloater at this point and the notion that I could learn how to make my own food so it was always readily available appealed no end. So I quickly donned a fetching pinny of my mother’s and joined Auriel at the kitchen table where she was assembling some ingredients.

Our recipe for the day was a scone pizza, which the good folk at Blue Peter have dug out for me to share with you all (pdf). It’s a fairly straightforward concoction comprising a self-raising flour dough that can be cooked in the oven or in a frying pan and then covered with toppings before being grilled until ready to serve.

The ingredients are very much of their day, as is the recommendation that “any hard fat will do, but don’t use soft margarine” and the use of “a little extra fat for cooking”. This being Blue Peter in the golden era days of Auntie Val, Peter P and Noaksey, there are reminders to “use a chopping board” and ask an adult to help if “you are not allowed to use a stove yet”.

My mother was quite sanguine about the whole thing and watched with pride as we made the dough and popped it in the oven to cook. She looked considerably less happy when we decided that we were not going to use a selection from the Blue Peter list of toppings as recommended, but were, indeed, going to use them all. We proceeded to layer the cooked scone with a towering pile of onion rings, tinned tomatoes, chutney, corned beef and, in place of sardines, the entire contents of a tin of pilchards.

The image of the end result remains with me to this day. At the time it was reminiscent of a natural disaster on John Craven’s Newsround, as the toppings slid slowly down the sides of the unevenly risen dough like lava down the sides of Mount Etna, forming a slick of sauce around the diameter of the burnt edifice.

It looked disgusting, and even though both Auriel and myself were very fond of our grub, we both shied away from it as if it were bath night in scone form as my mother made clucking noises about all that good food going to waste. She need not have worried, however – we’d forgotten about The Human Dustbin, my older brother Robin. Returning from an afternoon listening to “Tales From Topographic Oceans” with his mate Pete Smith, he announced himself “starving” and devoured the whole misshapen mess in one noisy sitting before lifting the plate up to his face and licking the last drops of pilchard juice with a loud, appreciative smack of the lips.

I am not sure if it was our own culinary atrocity or having to watch Robin eat it, but pizza hasn’t appealed to me since. I’d love to know what the first thing you ever cooked was, and how it turned out – was it a scintillating success, or such a disaster that it frightened you off an entire food group? And if you (or your kids) fancy having a go at the Blue Peter scone pizza, do share the results.

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2009 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds